When I get a minute…

Many nights I have found myself struggling to complete my evening tasks. Lately, I have been so exhausted. Working full time, taking care of my amazing little men, keeping up with family and friends, and attempting to have a healthy dating life has left me with no time for myself. Hell, take away the dating and the social life and I still never have time for myself, ever.

I don’t want to sound like I am complaining, because in all honesty, I love being busy and spending time with people I care about, or doing things to make other happy. I especially LOVE having my boys in my life, and if i could have them all the time, i would drip everything and everyone else in a heartbeat. But I am starting to really miss having my own time to do things for me, that I want to do. Every day of my life is doing for other people, and I think I am starting to yearn for a little selfish time. And some people, lately, don’t seem to understand that.

I have been noticing how my non-parent friends really have no idea what is involved with being a single parent, or a parent at all for that matter. I know they think they have an idea, they claim they understand, but they really don’t have a clue. I don’t fault them for it, they haven’t had to take on responsibility for another person, outside of themselves, on a daily basis. So it is hard for them to really grasp how involved a parent, a good parent, is every second of the day. And it all comes down to doing everything for another, specifically and rightfully, our children.

The first thing we do, as a parent, is wake up (preferably before our children) to get ready for work and prepare breakfast. We ensure we make ourselves available as soon as they wake up in order to help them get ready for their day. So our day always starts with our children first on our minds. And god forbid we wake up a few minutes late, or they happen to wake up before us. We then sacrifice a little bit of what we do for ourselves, like iron that shirt of put makeup on, to provide the same amount of time for our children. Specifically, my morning starts out where I am getting ready for 3 people, and I need to make sure every detail is perfect so all 3 of us have a less stressful morning.

We shuffle our little ones to school, most of the time with a smile and a hug, hoping to start their day off with a positive feeling, and then rush off to our jobs. Our jobs that provide us with money to ensure a home, food, clothes, the weekly movie night, fancy gadgets and high-speed Internet access for our children. We work to support a certain life style that both us and our kids are used to, that keeps us healthy and makes us happy. We don’t have the ability to job hope or discover ourselves throughout the years. At least by without taking into consideration how that impacts us, and our children.

So our jobs are a main focus during the day, making sure we do them efficiently and effectively. Not only because we want to feel a certain level of self defined success in our lives. (That is just a bonus.) But because we have to make sure we do a good job in order to KEEP our jobs and continue the comfy, or almost comfy, lives we are used to. To demonstrate to our children that we are responsible enough to care for them, and we are secure enough for them to trust we will continue to do so. Our entire day, every second of every task for every boss is for our children.

As soon as our job finishes, we are back to focusing solely on our children. Picking them up from wherever the go after school until our jobs conclude. We whisk them off to our homes and nourish them with dinner, review their homework, encourage them to practice any hobbies/talents they have and currently show an interest in, and entertain their stories from the day. We clean them and get them comfortable for the evening. We spend as much time as we can with them during the last 30 minutes that they are awake, snuggling, watching their favorite TV sitcom, or playing a quick board game, before bedtime story and prayer. Each night we do everything we can to confirm that our children are loved, nurtured, and cared for. (And this is a great night scenario… Imagine a night that also includes fighting, I’ll behavior, defiance, and whining! – YUCK!)

Once they are fast asleep, too soon after returning home from a long day without them, with nit enough real quality mommy/daddy time. A parents night actually begins. Cleaning up from dinner, preparing lunches and snacks for the next day, laying out clothes for everyone (in hopes of making the morning a little bit smoother) and picking up anything that was left behind. Maybe we have enough energy to clean ourselves and prepare our own items for a smoother next morning, and maybe we decide to wait until the morning to be clean. Rarely do we have time to sit and watch our favorite TV sitcom or catch up with the news. At least it is rare to do so without falling asleep in my case.

This is what a parents life mostly consists of, specifically, mine. And that is without too many extra activities, like dance, karate, sports, etc. I lucked out that my oldest son is extremely interested in art and violin, so his activities occur at school. But I know come spring, my little one will have me running all over for soccer. And I will do it, because I love him, both of them, and their daily needs and happiness always supersedes mine. That goes without questions.

But the point of this rant is not whether or not I am happy to be a devoted mom, because I am. It was more for me to hopefully reveal to others how demanding a parents life Is. We don’t always get to text like we want to, let alone chat on the phone. We do not always remember things that we discussed with you, or the interview you may have coming up, because our brains are full of 1st grade homework, kiddie doctor appointments, finding their favorite toys or breaking up a brotherly argument. It isn’t that we don’t care, or don’t think of you, or don’t want to talk to you. When I get a minute… You will be the first to know. But I may need that minute for myself first.

That is what I did this past Sunday. I had lost a childhood friend over the weekend and initially needed time to let that sink in and really absorb what happened. It made me reflect on what is really important in life, in my life. And one of those things, one if those very important things that I need, is time for me, to do as I please with, to make me happy.

That is one of my new 3 for March. To schedule quality ME time. I will always put my boys first, then my parents and brother, then my closest friends and then me. Everything else can wait. Life is too short not to take care of me. That includes ensuring the quality time I need for loved ones and on my own.

So I get why my non-parent friends cannot understand why I am unable to always give then attention. They only have to really worry about themselves, their family, and their friends. They don’t understand how hectic it can be when you have others to always think about, from the moment you wake until the moment you sleep. I don’t blame them, it is just a matter of two completely different lives.

Being a parent nay mean little to no time for anything else, but It is the greatest blessing in the world, but it also doesn’t allow for any time outside of those blessings. And honestly… I wouldn’t want my life any other way. 😉 ❤

A Cleansing Night

Today was officially my first day returning to the New to 36 project! I had a serious epiphany and was launched back the goals I had set out for myself this birth year. i had allowed life to swallow me whole, once again, and lost myself in the negative stresses of each day… As well as falling to the unexpected obstacles that plagued my family for the last four weeks. But today the fire was lit once again, engaging my forward advancements with my life changing year!

I have honestly felt blessed, lately, with my new job. For once I feel as if I can potentially build a career and learn from those that I share my work days with. This is a completely new industry for me, but a role within the company I am familiar with. So I feel there is a nice balance, so far, that allows me to utilize my skills, flaunt my work assets, and also receive the proper guidance and training to really understand and engage in the industry. It makes my mornings a little easier knowing I am going somewhere I don’t mind being, and one step closer to a career that may help someone else one day. As an Aquarian, humanitarian type of work is what I thrive in. 🙂

For a moment in my life, I feel good. Really good actually. So good I failed to stay focused on my project and started resorting back to the energy deprived Leausier that I was only three months ago. I had fallen into the old routine of waking drained, loosing control of my mornings and wanting to do nothing when I got home. Granted, I can never do NOTHING when I get home since I am a mom, but I felt like I wanted to do nothing. I had no drive or ambition to continue reorganizing my apartment, focusing on New to 36, and preparing for an easier tomorrow. My routine became mush and I was struggling.

It wasn’t until this afternoon at work that I received my wake up call, smack to the face. After a conscious shattering phone call, which is another story in itself, I realized I had lost myself to the negativities of the day. I had literally had repercussions of a requested task call me and tell me how my actions may have rippled negative affects into someone else’s life. Granted I was only doing what my boss asked of me, an technically it could be her karma that came back to her and I was just the messenger, but regardless, it made me realize how off track I have drifted in such a short period of time, and that did not settle well with me.

So tonight I once again decided to take back control of my little world, renew my project, and focus on my energies. And I am super glad that I did. Not only did I take back the positives into my heart, but I have started a little ritual with my boys that seemed to have left them also happy and refreshed, with a feeling of calm and love that they took to sleep with them. That alone was a beautiful feeling.

To start, I pulled out the good old chore chart and updated it with new tasks that my boys can help with. I consulted with each of them as I wrote the chores on the board. I wanted them to feel like they were “volunteering” for the task and not being told to do it. I was hoping this would get them a bit excited about being responsible for their chores… Key word… Hoped. They picked their favorite colored stars to represent when the tasks were competed, and they will be reviewing the board in the morning and at night. If all stars are there each week, then they will get an allowance at the end of the week. Fingers crossed!

I also decided to update my “mommy” calendar with the boys activities. Call me old fashioned, but sometimes I think a big ol’ piece of paper hanging jn your face each day trumps any high tech reminder that has a “dismiss” button. I do use my cell phone calendar and task reminders throughout the day, but I still have that piece of paper to remind me when I get home. So now I have all dates, events, school calendar/notices and reminders in my phone, email calendar AND my kitchen.

Finally, I decided to do an energy cleaning exercise tonight. Not just because of the overwhelming negativity I felt throughout the day today. (It still amazes me how negative energy can devour positive in a millisecond.) But also because I set out this birth year with a new outlook in life and I want to continue that. It initially started with a tiny change that create a huge positive feeling, and I need to get back to that place. However, tonight I made yet another change and decided to include my boys in my energy exercise.

I have noticed lately, with everything that has been going on, my boys are a bit off balance as well. Some nights they are lovely, and some nights they are completely unruley, leaving me (and them) very tense by bed time. And I personally dislike going to bed tense or angry. So, this evening, I took 8 minutes with each child individually and cleansed our Aura’s.

One on one, we sat Indian style, face to face and took deep breaths. With each breath I told them they should inhale love and exhale any negative feelings they had from the day. It was so nice to see their little faces almost instantly relax. They were both very eager to do this exercise because it was something new and something to do with mommy, one on one.

We discussed one negative thing that happened to them today and how that made them feel. We then spoke of one positive thing and how that had made them feel also. I wanted them to see how the action had cause their feelings to react and use those feeling during the breathing exercise. As they exhaled I ran my fingers down their arms, as if helping push out the negativity (and it helped them relax). And I told them that they were happy and loved.

We then discussed something that they were grateful for in their life. It could be anything, anything at all, that made them feel happy and lucky. It could be their Nintendo DS or the fact that they have family that loves them. As long as it made their eyes glimmer and lips smile, that was all I cared about. I wanted them to spark that blessed feeling and recognize what it was. I wanted them to feel good, regardless of what it is they felt good about.

Finally, we set one goal for tomorrow together. A positive, good, goal that each of them will do. Something that has them step out of themselves and fill another persons “bucket”. Seany said that he was going to offer to help his babysitter with the younger kids tomorrow. Christopher said he would like to make his friend smile who hasn’t been feeling well this week. They were excited to pick their positive deeds of the day, and I felt their energies had changed drastically with those ten little minutes together, as did mine. Not to mention, prayer time and bedtime were a lot smoother tonight! DOUBLE
BONUS!

It feels good to be back on track. I may have lost myself, and my New 3 for this months New to 36, but the universe has me aligned again. I did manage to accomplish three new things today, that I hadn’t done in my life as of yet. Now my goal is to complete this month continuing these things, and every month to follow really. The only true obstacle I have is myself. No one person or one thing really has the right to distract me from my goals. It only happens when I allow it. At this point in time, especially after today, I am more determined then ever to complete my project…

Show me the money

Tonight I decided to take my little men and my ex mother In law out to dinner. This week my youngest man is Student of the Week, and Thursday will be Valentines Day, so I thought tonight would be the best opportunity to treat my star student, and show gratification to my MIL for her hospitality. We decided to go to Benihana since my little one is captivated by their cooking performance.

I had a feeling it would cost a decent amount of money, but in all honesty, I never anticipated the actual amount it came to. It is safe to say that dinning out like that will only happen once a year. YIKES! I have anxiety just thinking about it. But it was well spent if it means a moment of pride for my little nugget, and another happy memory for all those that were involved. However, it puts a damper on the Valentines treats I was hoping to send to a handful of people that I care about.

I anticipated being able to send some mini surprises to a couple of meaningful friends and family members this year, but again I am a bit strapped. Part of it is because I tend to spend more then I should on a weekly basis. And with one of my goals being able to move very soon, I really need to start watching myself more, tightening the belt a bit. But at the same time I find myself torn because I do enjoy the outings and mini purchases with my boys.

I am not a material person. Most of my spending is on little things, like crafts kits to do with the boys, or games, and sometimes toys. But $20, $30, $40 a week, or even every two weeks, adds up. It would be so nice if for once in my life I didn’t have to worry so much about money. (Well obviously I don’t WORRY enough, but it is a concern.) I don’t want to be Rich with a big house, three walk in closets full of clothes, and extensive show collection, or a $150,000 car, but I DO want to be able to do things for others, comfortably, and with others, whenever I can.

Tonight, after dinner and the kiddies were in bed, I looked online for Valentines surprises I could possibly send to a handful of VIPs. A small box of chocolate covered strawberries for JL, a dozen roses for MF, or a special little something for RM. Maybe a bouquet of dipped cupcake pops for WS or an edible arrangement for JH, just to say “hey, someone is thinking about you and loves you. That person is me”…. But sadly if I did it, I would be back to square one, maybe further behind… And that really bothers me. I want to be able to give, and still pay my bills each month.

I had grown up in a setting where love and appreciation was always demonstrated to our family and friends. My mom used to have a box of cards that she kept in order to be able to send someone something on occasion, or just because, on any given day. Regardless of our wants, and sometime our needs, my mom always reached out to others, if only to make them smile. There aren’t many people like that out there anymore, and I enjoy being a product of that kind of generous upbringing. I’m proud of it and always looked up to her for all of her efforts.

Sadly, that little bit of giving is even difficult at this point in my life. As much as I feel blessed and honored being a single mom of two amazing boys, every ounce of my energy and finances, especially with how I spend at times, is gone. We do not go to dinner every night, or buy something we don’t need every day, but lost weekend I have them, we do a little something here or there, and I’m seeing how much that can add up. But my boys deserve it all too, and sometimes it would be nice to be that person that was able to make someone else smile as well.

Everyone deserves recognition, encouragement and appreciation. Especially those that have been in your life, through many hard times, and being the center of better times. I fear society has stripped us of those that actually care about others and want them to know. Many of us are even afraid to say “I love you” to another person, friend or more, because the dear of personal rejection and pain is too overwhelming.

We make excuses for bot keeping in touch or remembering someone at a special time. There are many things i have notice society has been lacking. I don’t know what the reasons are, but I know that there needs, or should be, a lot more people like the mom I grew up with.

If only I had the means to do more for others. Maybe then I would still end up “poor”… Who knows. With the things I would love to do for those I love, there may be little left for me. But that is ok. 🙂
I have always believe there is more to life then just what I can get out of it. Being able to give into lives has much more value and meaning to me, and I want to be able to show that in every way possible.

They say “money can’t bring you happiness” but show me the money and I will show you a number of people I can make smile. Not because I feel the need to be liked or for some self-fulfilling gratification…. But because I wish I could do more for those that are in my life, and even those that may just need a smile.

Don’t let the bed bugs bite!!!!

Lately things have continued to be challenging. I still have yet to return to my apartment and have been living out of garbage bags of clothes and hampers. Scrounging around for items and constantly cleaning the same outfits so the boys and I have something to wear. I never realized how difficult it can be to live with barely anything. (And I thought I had nothing three weeks ago.)

My apartment apparently has bed bugs. Yup, those creepy teeny tiny little bugs that come out at night while you are sleeping and bite the crap out of you. The thought still makes me shutter. I have never dealt with this type of situation before. I have always been fairly clean and organized, but apparently these bugs can happen to anyone at anytime and come from anywhere…. And you may not know you have them until you are infested.

At first I thought I was loosing my mind. My youngest son was finding bites on himself almost daily. And not just a bite here or there. Apparently he is extremely yummy because he would end up with 3-9 bites on his tiny 6 year old body, and they were unbearably itchy. I had no idea what was going on and started asking everyone if they had any issues. No one had any answers.

My kids go to a sitter every day before and after school, where there are other children, so it was possible they could have been getting bit there. They also go to their fathers, or his girlfriends, once a week and she too lived in an apartment complex, so it was possible it was happening there. Pin pointing the problem area seemed almost impossible and was becoming very draining. The funny thing is that they were only biting my youngest.

After an exhausting two weeks of trying to figure out what the problem was, i had to take him to the doctor. None of us thought that it was any form of big bite. Even his doctor said it was a rash that would go away and was not contagious. But I think that is because he had already scratched them to the point of bleeding. I was scared, concerned and feeling helpless because my little man was suffering and I couldn’t figure out how to help.

Finally I contacted my property manager and they sent a professional out to inspect my apartment . A “professional” – A person engaged or qualified in a profession… And in this case… One who has a profession in bed bugs. The next thing I knew the building was being exterminated for both roaches and bed bugs. GROSS!

The reason why I’m still here and not home is because according to this professional, he didn’t think I had bed bugs, he didn’t find evidence of anything actually. He sprayed and laid poison, but he swore he did not think i had a problem. Even after the second time he had to come and exterminate because my son ended up with more bites after we spent one night in our place. At least, that was until I attempted to go back to my apartment a third time and saw them with my own eyes.

So, I am here, at my ex mother in laws, again, trying to have a bit of a normal life. It has been nearly impossible to stay motivated on my life changing project, New to 36, but I can say, for the most part, I have been trying. When you are not in your environment, with your things, able to do what you need to on a daily basis, it becomes very challenging to make any real positive changes in life. I am finding myself unmotivated and falling into bad old habits.

I have even cleaning clothes and other washable items nightly. By the time I come home from work, get the kids
Homework done and situated, it is after 9 pm and I am exasperated. I have no space or time to prepare lunches or cook dinners for the next night, as I had planned. Nothing is in order, and my life currently feels like a mess. The only ones excited about this temporary arrangement are my boys. Every night is a slumber party night to them.

I guess that is what it comes down to though, right? My boys comfort and happiness. That is why we left the apartment. That is why I just threw out our couches and covered all the mattresses and pillows in protective cases. That is why I brought our cat with us, to eliminate any anxiety they had concerning leaving her at the apartment alone. That is why my ex in laws were gracious enough to open their doors to us. AND that is why my big life changing project is on hold until we are safely and comfortably back in our own place.

Right now my focus is to find a new place to live. My diet has suffered a bit, but I try to stay somewhat on track. My budget has depleted greatly due to having to buy some food, daily, and wash so many things (all linen, towels, clothes, curtains, etc… To be safe). And we regrettably have not made it to church yet. But we are safe, and warm, and have people that are helping us until we can get back on our feet. That alone is a blessing I am grateful for.

Things have been a bit too difficult. i just want a “normal” existence, and to find a new place to live. I will continue pushing to stay on track as much as I can with my new three this month. The 3 new things may have changed according to how life has changed. But that really is how life is, isn’t it? Some things happen when we aren’t ready for them… And we have to adjust to the changes in order to survive.

The life for me is a life of 3

Today has been a daunting day. Between staying away from my tainted apartment for the past two weeks, work, my boys, and running around nightly, I am just straight up exhausted. I am taking on this project and am also going through a debilitating obstacle with my surroundings. What was I honestly thinking?

So far this week I have stick to a better food plan. This I am excited about. But it has only been two days since the start of the week. I purchased lunch today, which is a big no-no for this month, but I had no other choice really. Sunday I was in my apartment and able to prepare for Monday. But since I have been forced out once again, I was unable to prepare for today. I did manage to stop home for groceries this evening and plan on preparing a diet plan for tomorrow.

My first New 3 for February is NO BUYING LUNCH, or breakfast or coffee for that matter. There really is no reason to other then laziness and convenience. I bit the bullet this weekend and purchased a traveling coffee mug to take to work daily, and purchased enough food for lunches and breakfast for the entire week, so there are no excuses…. Other then all my food being at my apartment and me being at my ex Mother-in-Laws. But, I’m 1 for 2 this week so far with sticking to my plan.

My second New 3 is to go to church more this month. I have always instilled following our religion to my children. We have been doing evening prayer since the they were born. First it started with me always thanking God for my boys. Then it turned into a simple evening prayer I would say with them before bed. Now the three of us sit in a family circle at night and say a nightly prayer, pick a new prayer to learn and each say a little message to God. My boys go to CCD weekly too. But we rarely make it to church as a family. So this month, and the following months, I plan to attend church more with my boys. Starting this Sunday!

That just leaves me with my third New 3. I am going to educate myself more with my nation. I have never really paid much attention to politics or occurrences in our country. I have always felt that if it doesn’t affect me directly, daily, then it wasn’t worth my time. I was always too wrapped up in silly meaningless things and rarely thought about who (or what in some cases) was representing us as a nation. And that is pretty scary if you think about it. It seems like many people may have been the same way, which would explain who has been in office the past decade. I want, no, I need to be more aware and demonstrate to my children, by example, how important it really is.

So those are my New 3 things for February. To eat a better daily diet, to incorporate church more into our lives, and to become more aware, knowledgable with politics. Ironic, huh? Two main focuses of this moth for me is church and state!!!! HA! But I feel they are both two very important favored in our lives. Regardless of what political party you associate with, or what religion you may (or may not) follow, is very important in our lives. At least in my opinion it is. Which is why it needs to be part of my life changing Nee to 36 plan.

There you have it…. My 3 for the month. It seems to be a reoccurring number in my life lately. They do say everything happens in threes. My New to 36 project breaks down to three new things a month. And most importantly, my little family is of three… Me, CJ and Sean. Three really is the life for me.

Definition of a LEAUSIER

I haven’t written in awhile due to some personal conflicts that have thrown me completely off track. I’m just glad I attempted to start my New to 36 project a month before my 35th Birthday. It has given me time to see how difficult it really can be to set goals for myself, stick to them and accomplish them. I guess that is why there are leaders in this world and cruisers. I don’t even want to say followers, because the word “followers” implies there is action being taken to adjust and mimic a leader. So I call them cruisers, because they do not really accomplish anything other then just getting by.

So this last month I guess I have been more of a leausier. Definition of a LEAUSIER: one who attempts to lead but ends up cruising, who then realizes cruise control is on and attempts to lead again. Yes, that is what I have been this past month. Someone who sets goals, starts them, and then lets them go.

Pronunciation of the word, leausier, is close to that of “loser”, however, it is said with a French accent. 🙂 With that said, this past week I have accomplished absolutely nothing, with the exception of surviving.

Since my last post, I have completely failed to stick to my New 3, eating healthier throughout the day. Although I did have some carrots as a snack on Monday. But since the boys and I have been staying at my ex-mother-in-laws all week, and I have involuntarily been stripped from my own environment, I have not been able to prepare and pack my meals for the day, as I had planned. So, unfortunately for my waist line and pant seams, I have consumed Taco Bell and Deli sandwiches most of this week so far. AND, have had a fair share of fruit cake.

As you have probably notice, since you follow me now – hahaha, I have not been posting much, which was my New 1. I have had little time or energy to post anything. Especially since I really have not done anything. I literally have had absolutely nothing on my mind except for the stress of not being in my own place, or sticking to my schedule. Trying to get homework done with a house full of other people, and having a number of conversations all at one time has been a bit challenging and overwhelming. By the time I have a little alone time, on one of the couches, with two young boys snoring beside me, I have had little drive to do anything except play Bejeweled. Yes, I played Bejeweled instead of posting about myself.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am very grateful and blessed to have a place to go to while my apartment is being worked on. It isn’t really the company that is the issue. I always appreciate what others do for me, and my children, especially when they help my children. It is the fact that I am not in my own place, with my things, my clothes, my food, my schedule and my space that is overwhelming to me. I could be anywhere for more then 48 hours and I will go crazy. That is just how I am. I am not a couch dweller anymore.

When I as first separated I was an avid couch dweller. Every time my ex had the boys I was visiting friends and couch hopping. One friends guest room became “The Heather Room”. I would spend countless weekends crashing at different places and it was fun at first. But now, now that I have had my own space for four years, I cannot take the confinement of a couch any more. (Although there is one friend whose couch is AMAZING… They know who they are. I miss your couch!) I need my bed, my room, my things, my space! Needless to say, I have been living like a gypsy this week and have attempted to continue to keep my boys on track, the best that I could, and it has been exhausting.

Tomorrow marks the day I turn 35 and begin my 36th year. It is the day I need to begin, seriously begin, my transformation into the person I have ways been inside but couldn’t find the strength to let out. It is a milestone in my short existence, not just because it is a 35th birthday, but because it is the year I always told myself I would be a better me. For the last couple of years I have struggled, not just financially as a single mother, but with myself and liking who I am, or even knowing who I am. I feel that the past few survival years have taught me to be stronger, wiser, kinder, more humble… But I had yet to really blossom.

My life has never been perfect, but it has been far from horrible. And most of it comes down to always being a Leausier. Striving to be a leader but then falling back into the shadows. Now is time for me to lead, but not just to better my life, it is to also lay a firmer foundation for the lives my boys may lead. And believing in myself, bettering myself, is the only way I will get there.

What would you tell me?

As I was driving to work today I came up with this crazy idea. For as long as I can remember I always wished, and asked many times, for people to be truthful with me. It seems like something that is impossible for mostly anyone you meet. I mean, who is really going to tell you the truth? Friend or Foe, no one will tell you if they think you are selfish, or insecure, or possessive, or down right stupid. At lease very little people will be THAT honest.

I have always wanted critiques from those that know me, especially those that are close to me. How we can I learn and grow as a person if I am unaware of my downfalls? You can’t. And one of my goals is to always be a better person. Not necessarily change who I am as a person, but become more aware of the things I may do that makes someone stop and think for a second.

As an individual, you are raised a certain way and also develop and inhabit certain traits, mannerisms through life experiences. Many times you do not see when those things are negatively affecting you or those around you. I personally would love to be made aware of these things in order to maybe address them and improve them in order to better my life and my relationships. By relationships I am lumping all together, family, friendships and lovers.

I have literally asked people to tell me, to my face, what my issues are in their opinion, in a kind and constructive way, and no one can really tell me. Either they love me so much they do not see it, or they like me enough to care if I become offended and possibly never speak to them again, or they care too much about looking like the bad person that they refuse to ever be honest. Regardless of reasoning, very few, if any, people in my life are completely truthful or honest.

Quite honestly, I am generally as open as can be as well. I have also noticed that many, if not most, people also cannot take honesty. I think it is the best way to live, without games. Honesty doesn’t have to be hurtful, it can be truthful, but it doesn’t need to be hurtful. If you are not interested in dating someone, just tell them they are not really what you are looking for but do enjoy their friendship. If a friend doesn’t do a good job on something you asked their help on, say thank you but no thank you. No one will ever improve who they are as people if they continue to live in delusional worlds.

So, as I was driving to work this morning, I was thinking of ways I could possibly get this truth from my people… And there it was… The answer. Create a generic email address and send everyone the login and password. This way they could send me messages advising if things that bother them about me, truthfully, without fear. It would all come from the same email address and I wouldn’t know who sent it. 🙂 What a spectacular idea, right?

I might attempt this science experiment with my Facebook people. Send ALL my Facebook friends the log in information and see where it goes from there. I would like to see… What would you tell me???

Yesterday

I found this in my old saved drafts when I first started this blog. I really like it still so I thought I would re-post it.

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Original dated 11.15.09

Since yesterday, at 21, I knew my heart was yours. Each second of life I wished was with you. I would anxiously wait until we could sneak a taunting glance, or steal a passing touch. Anticipation of the next kiss paralyzed me and my soul yearned to be close to yours always. You became my every thought, my every wish, my every need. You consumed me and I surrendered my existence to you. There was nothing I wanted, or was scared of, more.

Just yesterday, at 21, I pledged my life to you. You danced around the idea of disclosing who we were, what we wanted. The desire to feel each other grew stronger and stronger each day, and no matter how hard we tried to play by the rules it became too unbearable to hide. The intimate moments when they turned wasn’t enough for what we wanted together. I was ready to face it all, to embrace the war, to fall, as long as it was by your side.

Yesterday, at 22, we said our first good-bye. The secret lives we were forced to live, and the truth I yearned for, pushed me away. The need to not be hated by many overpowered the need to be loved by one. I was scared, scared of pain, of more loss, of not knowing if you really loved me the way I had grown to love you. My heart had just been ripped out by death and my actions scared too many to face. The scale had tipped and I had fallen away.

By yesterday, at 28, my eyes had met your glance another time. Your lips were the same but your heart had changed. I wanted nothing more then the distance to wash off us with each drop of rain that fell to the roof top that day. The sorrow that fell to your ears was unheard and the anger still strong. I whispered to you, my need for you, But another goodbye was exchanged. As I returned to my present my heart longed for the past, killed by my own retreat.

Come yesterday, at 30, you were once again by my side. My world just crumbled, with broken bone and broken heart, I came for you. I needed nothing more then to look into your eyes once again and feel the years between us fade. Tears turn to laughter, where nothing mattered, except being with you, by your side, for that moment. And as we once more shut the door, I knew I still had loved you.

Today, at 32, I still feel you. From far away. Back ten years. When a 22 year old walked away from the last thing she ever truly felt. And although our worlds have always crossed, they have yet to truly come together. Numbly continuing through these days. Neither finding the missing piece and one still too fearful to really try. But the one thing i always hold onto, my dear, is no matter where my life takes me, regardless of your standing, you will always mine, as of yesterday, at 21.

A Weak Week

Sitting on my hand-me-down floral couch, listening to a Phineas and Ferb movie, with my little ones snuggled on each side of me, I begin this blog, reflecting on the past week. The third week of my New to 36 where everything, except my planned steps for this week, happened. I didn’t stray completely far off track, but I wasn’t as focus as I aspired to be at the end of last week.

My main focus this week was to find and purchase my dress for the upcoming work related black tie award gala for my boss. I find it a bit frustrating that I have to go at all. I just started this job, received my first pay check, and now have to purchase a gown for an event that I will not be comfortable at. Where I really will not know anyone. This is not how I wanted to spend a Friday night, after a long work week, or a chunk of my first pay check.

I did a little image research online to see what would be acceptable for a Gala. Initially I was thinking prom meets pageant. And although I have plenty of beautiful gowns from my Miss USA/Miss American days, I sadly am not a size 3 any longer, nor do I think I can be within the next 7 days (4 days at this point), so they will have to continue to collect the dust of past dreams. But after searching for a bit, I realized the dress attire is more of a cross between prom and mother of the bride, triggering a mission to locate a suitable, yet affordable, dress began… And ended quickly.

After a grueling 3 hours of dodging mall walkers and searching endless wracks of Jersey Shore inspired garments, I gave up… filled with frustration and a strong desire to drink something not permitted to anyone within the first 12 years of school. There was nothing that I liked, or that looked flattering on me, within a price range of a single mothers budget. So my main project for the week is still open and the clock is counting down to the big event. I started scanning the Internet for options, but with the event only 4 days away, I’m thinking a last minute panic shopping mission will occur Thursday evening. Yuck!

Sadly, now that I think about it, I really didn’t work on any part of my project this week. My diet consisted of more carbs then veggies. My hope for this month was to incorporate more veggies and fruits into my daily diet and this last week rejected the idea completely. But I purchased a bunch of carrots, salad items and pears today with the hope of shocking my system into healthi(er). After this blog piece, I’m going to prepare what I can for the rest of the week so exhaustion doesn’t interfere with me staying on track. It is part of my new NEW plan. Preparing as much as I can for the week on Sunday, or the day before the work week begins.

Lastly, keeping up with my blogging had completely fallen to the waste side. I had so much going on this past week that I didn’t have any real time to dedicate to writing, and that needs to be the biggest focus in order to keep me on track. Between work, school projects, sick kids, my sons first violin concert, date night and actually spending time with my friends this last weekend, I haven’t had a moment to myself… And when I did… I was too exhausted to write anything. Time, once again, got away from me and I lost track of the week. So regretfully week 3 was a bit of a bust.

The main focus this week? To finally complete my 5 year plan. (Who would have thought it would be this hard?) Get that gala dress. And double up on my New to 36 project. I have a lot of work to do and each day I think of something new to add to my project. Apparently my project has severe ADHD. With the new month coming up quickly, and my 35th birthday, I have a lot of work to do!

Week 2 to New

Well the first official week of New to 36 has concluded and The beginning of week 2 has just begun. I did my best with sticking to this project when starting a new job and adjusting to a work schedule again. Each day last week I ensured I was dressed nicely, hair and makeup done, including nails always painted. My image was a focus and I successfully, for the most part, did not leave the house without looking a grade above soccer mom, at least. Of course it helped that I had a job to go to each day because the last two days I have been slummin it… Hard core!

My veggie/fruit intake increased by 1/4 last week, with the exception of this weekend, and I continued to post to my blog close to every other day. I would have had a post this weekend but I accidentally deleted the draft before it was saved. Which was a total bummer because it was much more entertains then this entry.

I have to say that so far I am feeling pretty good about his massive project and for a week I have stayed close to my plan as possible. Now the hardest part will be maintaining this change. With the little amount of time I seem to have left at the end of the day, I am finding it harder and harder to ensure everything I set out to do, for day survival and changing projects, is accomplished. As I type this very entry on my cell phone, I am laying on my back, on the floor, with my legs up and stretching part, as I attempt to do crunches. Picture that mess!

So far, I think finding the time to accomplish everything in a day has definitely been the struggle. As well as my eagerness to do new things and make changes in in my life. My schedule is already pretty tight, and if I do not get a minimum of 7 hours of sleep, preferably 8 – 10, each night, I am a beastly cranky woman who will easily snap and my entire day is rejoined, along with anyone I share it with.

Currently, my schedule requires me to be awake by 6:30 mostly every morning, even though my alarm attempts the rising ritual at 6:00 am. I had considered waking at 5:30 to get a work out in before showering and beginning my morning routine, but my body finds that thought hilariously entertaining. So as it stands I am awake around 6:30 am every morning with two little men eagerly awaiting my direction. I have exactly 1.5 hours at that point to get myself and two little men fed, dressed and out the door for school and work. Even with all of my night before preparation, this rarely goes smoothly.

Work begins at 9:00 am and regretfully ends at 6:00 pm. It takes approximately 25 to 45 minutes to commute. I have an hour for lunch every day where I have considered maybe going for walks, but I’m not a fan of body odor or sitting in my sweat for half of the day. The obsessive insecurity of whether other people at work could smell me or not plagues me more then the 40 pounds of extra body fat I house.

I could get some personal tasks done during this lunch hour, which I generally do, but for the past week and a half I have been trying to familiarize myself with the area. I am sure there are many more productive ways i can utilize my lunch hour. Once it gets a bit nicer out maybe I can work in some physical activity during the day.

By the time I get home with the kids, finish homework, feed them, wash them up, spend a little time with them, and put them to bed it is already 9:00/9:30, depending on the night. This leaves just enough time for me to wash dishes, makes lunches, lay clothes out for the next day and clean up myself before passing out around 10:30/11:00. So as you can see, I have very little time to write my blog, or fit in any form of exercise, which is what I wanted one of my “news” to be next month. It tends to be quite frustrating.

Overall, I am trying to stay on track, even if I have boring entries like this to post. But I need to keep the routine to ensure that I complete what I set out to do. I have many times in my life given up on great ideas and/projects that I have conjured up, and for the first time in my life I truly feel I have the ability and support, and personal drive, to really make this year long project a success.

The launch month of my New to 36 I have improved my image within my current financial means. I have incorporated veggies and/or fruit into my daily diet, and I have created a blog entry a couple times a week. I also have found myself being motivated with other small tasks, like incorporating more prayer time with the boys at night, and I feel more accomplished and proud of who I am already. I definitely feel a difference in me… But now it is time to step it up! 🙂

Hopefully tomorrow I will have that 5 yr plan too! Ugh! THAT was the other thing.

Good Night!