Yesterday

I found this in my old saved drafts when I first started this blog. I really like it still so I thought I would re-post it.

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Original dated 11.15.09

Since yesterday, at 21, I knew my heart was yours. Each second of life I wished was with you. I would anxiously wait until we could sneak a taunting glance, or steal a passing touch. Anticipation of the next kiss paralyzed me and my soul yearned to be close to yours always. You became my every thought, my every wish, my every need. You consumed me and I surrendered my existence to you. There was nothing I wanted, or was scared of, more.

Just yesterday, at 21, I pledged my life to you. You danced around the idea of disclosing who we were, what we wanted. The desire to feel each other grew stronger and stronger each day, and no matter how hard we tried to play by the rules it became too unbearable to hide. The intimate moments when they turned wasn’t enough for what we wanted together. I was ready to face it all, to embrace the war, to fall, as long as it was by your side.

Yesterday, at 22, we said our first good-bye. The secret lives we were forced to live, and the truth I yearned for, pushed me away. The need to not be hated by many overpowered the need to be loved by one. I was scared, scared of pain, of more loss, of not knowing if you really loved me the way I had grown to love you. My heart had just been ripped out by death and my actions scared too many to face. The scale had tipped and I had fallen away.

By yesterday, at 28, my eyes had met your glance another time. Your lips were the same but your heart had changed. I wanted nothing more then the distance to wash off us with each drop of rain that fell to the roof top that day. The sorrow that fell to your ears was unheard and the anger still strong. I whispered to you, my need for you, But another goodbye was exchanged. As I returned to my present my heart longed for the past, killed by my own retreat.

Come yesterday, at 30, you were once again by my side. My world just crumbled, with broken bone and broken heart, I came for you. I needed nothing more then to look into your eyes once again and feel the years between us fade. Tears turn to laughter, where nothing mattered, except being with you, by your side, for that moment. And as we once more shut the door, I knew I still had loved you.

Today, at 32, I still feel you. From far away. Back ten years. When a 22 year old walked away from the last thing she ever truly felt. And although our worlds have always crossed, they have yet to truly come together. Numbly continuing through these days. Neither finding the missing piece and one still too fearful to really try. But the one thing i always hold onto, my dear, is no matter where my life takes me, regardless of your standing, you will always mine, as of yesterday, at 21.