May 7, 2013
This weekend I, we, celebrated my son turning 10. Technically he officially turns 10 in two more days, but as most do, we celebrated over the weekend. We were blessed enough to have a weekend full of loved ones and festivities, which started off Saturday in PA with my parents, and concluded with a school friend/ex-in-laws family party on Sunday.
The boys and I had made our way out to my parents place Friday evening, after I finally kicked my first official debilitating migraine, which kept me in bed for 20 hours. It was a peaceful drive, with my “soon to be” 10 year old in the front next to me, and my 6 year old blissfully lost in Mario land. My oldest and I chatted about Les Miserables (yes, he loved the movie), The Terminator, and his new ‘mommy heart attack causing obsession’ motorcycles and dirt bikes. Apparently, since his last visit with his father, he has thought of nothing other than motorcycles and dirt bikes, and it has become his goal to drive me into an insane asylum with worry that he will end up with one of these death machines before he is mature enough to fully understand and enjoy them. (Said like a true over protective mom, I know.)
We had peacefully made it through the 2 hour drive with little traffic and even less frustration, which is unheard of with two anxious you men. The night was calm, the air crisp, the sun lingering just a bit longer bringing a couple extra minutes of outside play time in my parents yard. The mountains hadn’t looked so beautiful as they did this evening, and the skies hadn’t been as clear as they had been later that night, revealing what seemed to be every star in the universe. It was the perfect evening to drive out to PA, and the perfect night to launch a weekend of celebrating my son.
The next morning we prepared for our few guests to arrive. Mostly friends of mine and of my parents, that were dearest to us, coming to spend quality time with our family. I made it clear to my son that this was not the “party” day, but more of a family day with those that love him. My sister friend, of over 14 years, since the first month of college, had come out from NJ with her daughter and her growing belly; my parents loving neighbors with my youngest sons future wife, their daughter; and my newest dearest “sister from another mister” and her daughters had come out to spend an evening with our little family. It was small, but it was meaningful, and although I am sure a 10 year old is all about the number of presents he gets, as opposed to the quality time he is given, I know he appreciated those that came to celebrate him.
Sunday was the big party day. I had coordinated a school friend party for our son, which was supposed to be only school friends and local family members with children, but, as always, nothing planned with their father ever really stays within the original plan. I have to admit, I was guilty of inviting one personal friend of mine that was local, but I needed her there. It was bad enough that I needed to celebrate with someone I despise… but I had to also had to celebrate it with his new victim and her friends. Well, I guess I technically didn’t have to, but I was trying desperately to be the bigger person and be there for my son… and I was… but internally I was fighting the beast.
It was harder then I thought, and not because I am upset he is with someone, if I disclosed all the details of what had occurred throughout the years, by both of us, you would understand why I have absolutely no feelings left for this person, but because I don’t feel like sharing my time with my children, with people I don’t know or care to know, intimately. (Yup, said like a true divorced mother.) It was a continued internal battle of not allowing negative energy ruin my sons party. This weekend was about my son, and I would do anything for that child, so we moved on with the party… and I know he had an amazing time.
The day was perfect for a BBQ birthday. The air was crisp again, there was a subtle breeze that agreed with the soul but made disagreed with the decorations. There was a sense of harmony in the air, and a potent stench of love and pride. I was proud of my son for who he is turning into, and everything that he is as an individual and a growing man; and he was proud of his Terminator party. (Literally he had been practicing being the Terminator for over a month!)
It was nearly impossible finding decorations from over 2 decades ago, so I had posters made up of some of my sons Terminator artwork and hung it throughout the yard. I purchased black, red and silver decorations to at least go with the Terminator theme and his Grammy had a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger placed on the cake. The party came together nicely, and with my sons own little touch of a one-man Terminator re-enactment, I would say the entire 3 hour event went splendidly. No parents lingered that were not invited, and to the best of my knowledge, all children were accounted for and sent home with their designated mom and/or dad.
It still, however, amazes me, that my son is now 10 years old. It seems like a decade ago he was just an itty bitty baby, coming home in his little carrier, to two 25 year old, clueless, parents… yet it seems like just yesterday. He is my first born, my first real buddy, my first TRUE unconditional love, my first everything. He is the reason I changed my life, became who I am today, had the strength to let go of a toxic situation (a couple of times) and start my life over. He still is the reason I aspire and work hard every day, providing a life for him that I pray will continue good values, morals, ethics and gentlemanly behavior.
As I look back, it seems so long ago that I was 25, just learning the true meaning of being a mother, scared, and anticipating the future… and as I look forward another 10 years, where I will be 45 with a 20 year old, sad that time went by too quickly… I realize that I want to cherish and embrace where I am right now. It is so easy to get swept away by all the daily petty dramas and frustrations of life. I regretfully find myself there may times a week, wondering where the time had gone and how another day, week, had slipped past me. Looking at my son now, at this moment, as he sleeps peacefully, not yet a man but no longer a boy, I realize that this moment, theses precious seconds, is all that I really need to think about right now… not a decade that past.
April 16, 2013
Tonight I was once again reminded of someone that I loved. It wasn’t an adult love, a comfortable love that grows and flourishes over time. No, it wasn’t that kind of love because it wasn’t a love I experienced as an adult. It was the best kind of love. The innocent infatuation of what I thought love was, as a young teenager, first discovering the thrills of having the last name of “girlfriend” and the first name of “his”. It was the kind of love the bites you in the ass and flips you head over heels in less then a second… and one that lasted only twice as long before our infatuations were over and our real friendship had started.
He was my first boyfriend… the first boy to hold me… the first pair of lips to taste… and the first boy to be heart broken by me. It was a very influential part of my life, as it is for any growing young teenager. I was infatuated with him. He made me laugh (a lot) and he would have done anything to protect me or what we thought we had. He was “bad” in the societal sense of the word. He was into things that most parents of a young lady wouldn’t want her exposed to.
We were young, silly, stupid, and enjoying the excitement of a forbidden Romeo and Juliet reality of our own. My parents were not fond of him, in fact, I don’t think they liked him at all. And at that point in time I guess they had a reason to be concerned, but they truly never gave him the chance to get to know him. And they never saw the side of him that so many people fell in love with through the years to follow.
Although our little love affair didn’t last very long, our friendship did… one ad off for 20+ years. Many afternoons he and I, as well as his brother and mine, would hang out at his place, or go for a cruise, or get into some mild form of mischief. I can still hear him singing along to Nirvana as we went four wheeling in my mom’s minivan (sorry mom). It was because of him and his brother that I later had the lyrics to “Hurt” written on the ceiling of my bedroom… but probably not in the way you are thinking.
Regretfully, I cannot remember too many details of the past life we shared together, but I can still feel the excitement and love I once had for him. Like any relationship you start as a child, life takes you down different paths, but we had always found each other somehow. I have had many conversations with him since those day, and each time my heart swells with fondness for him. He was such a big part of a small portion of my life… and apparently one of the most significant small portions of my life… because each time I hear his name, or think of him, my heart smiles.
It has sadly been too many years since I have seen him in person and now I will never get that chance. I have become much closer to his brother, which I am so happy and grateful for. He is now one of my closest friends, and I learned a lot about my former loves life, how it progressed, and where it was going to hopefully take him.
In fact, every time I speak to his brother, I am instantly swept back to the times when we were all together, careless, silly, stupid, falling all over each other, getting wrapped up in our own innocent mischief. It warms my heart to know that I am able to still visit those times, with someone I cared for, who experienced those times with me. With the amount of years that have passed, the people we have met, the lives we have lived, and the struggles we have endured… whenever we speak, we are teenagers again.
I hate that I cannot tell my former what he had always meant to me. It may not have been the type of love we would know as adults now. It may not be any type at all I guess. I love him, always will, as a friend that he always tried to be for me. He is a part of me and shall remain to be so until the end of time. When he left, he took a part of all of us with him. And although I truly want to believe he is in a better place now… I really cannot think of a better place to be then by the side of your family, friends and those that love you. So I don’t know how I really feel about that. I want to think that he is at peace, and I sincerely hope that he is… for his sake and for those that he left behind.
Tonight I was reminded of a big part of my life that is off balance now. He may not have been as big of a part of my life now, but he was back then… and that part of my life was a piece of the foundation that makes me who I am today. I wasn’t able to officially say goodbye to that piece, but tonight, after speaking to his brother, I realize that I really do not have to. I have his brother, I have our memories, and I have all the “firsts” that no one else can ever take away from me. So, in a sense, I always have…. Him.
April 1, 2013
So I have decided to try this “wishful thinking” as part of my transformation. I have read many articles and had many discussions on “sending it out into the universe” and welcoming those wishes into your life. For so long it seemed like a ridiculous approach to life and achieving your goals, but at this point in life, why not.
A couple of weeks ago I already started meditating at least once a week with my boys in order to help them learn to identify their feelings, self-calm, and welcome feelings of love and peace into their hearts. It has been a great way for us to bond as a family and also help them become more aware of themselves. However, I really have not attempted to meditate and reflect on those things I want on life.
This past weekend, one of the conversations that came up while at y girlfriends house was the conversation about the universe and “willing” what you want in life. It made a lot of sense, not from the magical approach that of you want it that badly it will just appear, but from them standpoint that it will rep you grounded, focused, and open to receiving the things you truly desire that will make you happy.
With that said, I am opening my heart to the universe and will begin my wishful thinking. To start, I have created a sound track mix of songs that have always had the ability to launch me into my dream world. Artists such as Seal, Sade, U2, Maroon 5 (yeah, I said it), Lenny Kravitz, and Jack Johnson always make me feel really good when I hear some of their songs. And that good feeling is what I want to capture and hold onto as I think about my desirables.
Next thing I started doing this morning was getting myself organized again with my routine and focusing on how I felt with the outfit I chose, the way my hair was, and finally the finishing touches. I wanted to ensure that I felt good, all around today, not only look good, bit fffeeeellll good. I wanted to keep that positive energy flowing.
Finally, I needed some visuals to he my mind going. Since I have most of the things that I need in my life, there really isn’t a lot I need to train myself to focus on. Mostly, I need to find a picture of that house that I aspire to own one day and keep that visual in mind when I meditate. But today my mind is focused on love…. Romantic love. It seemed to have been the theme of my weekend and I realized exactly what I would like to have.
So I’m placing my order. I have taken snap shots of physical traits of the man I would like to look at every day. I have written down personality traits that I would like for him to possess. I have imagined each little detail that covers each inch of his face. The way his dark eyes pierce my soul as he looks at me. The way he smells when he passes me just a little too close. I have created this beast of a man that I hope to one day own his passion, and I have decided that I will not “settle” for anything less then what my mind, heart and soul have decided they all want. So tonight, as I sit on my floor, starting my visualization and meditation to will my fantasy life into existence, I will be thinking of this Chris Hemsworth/Bradley Cooper morph of a man that will one day accidentally bump into me at a kids sporting event or out at the park.
April 1, 2013
It has been awhile since I have last posted. A number of things have occurred, my computer broke, we had a bed bug epidemic, my youngest had hurt himself, been sick twice, and we had spring break. Before I knew it, over a month had past and I realized I have not written in quite some time. A piece of me was actually missing and I had fallen into my same old bad habits and lost control of my hard work in redirecting my life. However, this weekend I had been re-enlightened and the spark was ignited, once again, to get back on track with my life transformation.
I had decided to spend a good amount of time with my lifelong friend, and sister from another mister, that I have grown quite close to over the years. It was a weekend that my soul needed, and my ambition required, kicking me back into gear. I have said before how easy it is to fall into the abyss of life, losing yourself to the hustle and bustle of survival, and it is a weekend like this one that I need everyone once in a while to remember what it is I am trying to always fight so hard to obtain.
We really didn’t do much, we normally never do, yet our time together always means so much to me and opens my heart. As most of our weekends together are, we spent a countless number of hours just talking and sitting on their amazingly comfortable couch. This thing is a comfy black hole that sucks you in and had you lost forever. We can, and have, spent an entire weekend on that couch, doing nothing but talking, eating and drinking. This weekend was no different. It was a weekend for the mind, heart and soul. And my mind, heart and soul were all screaming ‘FAMILY’!
Throughout the years, the one thing I have learned is that family is not always defined by who you are blood related to. Family can come from anywhere. It can be big or small, blood or adopted, immediate or friends. Family can live in the same town, and you never really know them, or far away and they are your best friends. Family can be a number of things, and throughout my life I longer, YEARNED, for a large, close family, not realizing how extensive my family really is, and how some of my closest friends openly accept me as their own.
I am blessed in many ways with my immediate family. My boys are mostly healthy, very witty, happy and lovable well behaved little men. They make me proud, and there are many moments that I am still caught in a breathing taking moment of disbelief that they are mine. It honestly still blows me away, and my oldest will be 10 next month. My parents, for the most part, are extremely supportive and accepting of who I am, and love my children with all of their hearts, possibly more then they love me and my brother – lol. My brother and I have a strong relationships that makes him not only my sibling, but also one of my bestest friends. I have many beautiful people in my immediate family, and I am overly blessed in many ways, but it is a small family. My children are currently the only grandchildren my parents have, and they do not have any cousins yet.
Growing up I had a number of cousins my age that I was very close to as a child. We all lived in the same area and we did the typical weekend dinners, holidays and summer BBQs. It was a beautiful childhood that every child should truly have the joy of experiencing. We were all fairly close and I considered my cousins more like immediate family then cousins really. But life took us all separate ways and as our parents careers grew and personal lives changed, we were all moved to different areas, and over time, we grew apart.
Now, as an adult, and as a parent, I reflect often on those times, and I wish my children had the same upbringing. Although I am very close to my boys, and they do have a very large family, it doesn’t, or didn’t, feel the same to me. I had always envisioned my boys building the same kind of memories as I had. And although they have beautiful memories with my parents, which many children may not have the blessing, and I am grateful for the bond my boys share with my parents. But I always anticipated… more.
This weekend, it ended up being the first weekend I was without my boys and my family. I guess I could have driven to my parents, but I really did not see the benefit of driving 4 hours for dinner and coming back home when I have work the next day. It would be a bit much. I really had no where to go, and for a family oriented person, that was not a great feeling. I knew being home alone would just sadden my because I did not have my boys, and I wasn’t up for spending another holiday with the past.
My generous friend learned about my lack of plans and she extended her family to me. We decided to have a nice girls night, which consisted of me, her and her beautiful daughter, and a lot of lounging. It was a very nice night of a lot of catching up and movie watching. It felt like home, as it always does, and I allowed myself to relax and forget the past month or so. I told her all about my new job, my relationship, the apartment, and of course, how amazing my kids are doing. I realize I was happy, content, and happy with where my life currently was. I was proud of my accomplishments, specifically my boys, and the fact that I was still alive and able to enjoy yet another day. I told her a little about my life reforming plan and my desperate need to get healthy and feel better about myself mentally. But overall, I was finally happy in my life, and it felt good to say.
The only issue I realized was that, even though I am always comfortable, welcomed and feel loved at her home, I felt a ting of emptiness. I was missing my boys, there is no doubt about that, but I was missing the life I always wanted and never knew. That family life I missed from my childhood, that I long for my children to have. That feelings of security and others to rely on, count on, that are family.
I looked around her house and saw everything that I don’t have, that I always wanted. The big kitchen to cook family dinners, the family room with the living room with the fire place, the family room for lounging (where we always are), the perfectly sized back yard for gatherings or just sitting alone with the person you love after the kids are in bed. I saw a world that I have always visited but never truly lived. The picture of what looks like to be the “perfect” family life. Yes, they have their major obstacles that they have faced, and quite frankly I admire her for her strength for all she has endured, but for the most part, at this point in their life, they have most of the things I have always desired. Looking around that home made me remember what made me decide to reform my goals, my direction in life. But it wasn’t until today that the fire was light once again.
As I sat there at the dinner table with her and her family, I felt overly blessed. I looked around at the generations gathered, talking, laughing, rolling their eyes, bickering, loving each other the way a family does. It made me smile and hurt at the same time. I already have all those things. It is in a smaller package, but I have them. I have them with my friend who lovingly opened her home and her family to me, I have them with my other friend who I have know since elementary school, and I have them on my own. It may just be me, my two boys, one brother and two parents, but they are mine, and I love them unconditionally. Yes, one day I do really want love and a “complete” family, with the comfy home and the small fenced in yard, but right now, life really is good. And although I went through a small emotional realization this weekend, I truly am happy with my life, and blessed by all those that are in it.
One day I will have all those things that seem to make the picture perfect family. It would have been nice to have them now, but I am where I was meant to be at this point in my life. And now I have the drive again to get focused and work hard for those things that I may be lacking. I have it in me, it is only up to me to obtain them. The only thing that holds me back are my own insecurities and weaknesses that I need to over come. I may be happy with my life now, but I do not want to be here, at 40, still desiring things I believe I never had. I want to be living them.
March 6, 2013
Many nights I have found myself struggling to complete my evening tasks. Lately, I have been so exhausted. Working full time, taking care of my amazing little men, keeping up with family and friends, and attempting to have a healthy dating life has left me with no time for myself. Hell, take away the dating and the social life and I still never have time for myself, ever.
I don’t want to sound like I am complaining, because in all honesty, I love being busy and spending time with people I care about, or doing things to make other happy. I especially LOVE having my boys in my life, and if i could have them all the time, i would drip everything and everyone else in a heartbeat. But I am starting to really miss having my own time to do things for me, that I want to do. Every day of my life is doing for other people, and I think I am starting to yearn for a little selfish time. And some people, lately, don’t seem to understand that.
I have been noticing how my non-parent friends really have no idea what is involved with being a single parent, or a parent at all for that matter. I know they think they have an idea, they claim they understand, but they really don’t have a clue. I don’t fault them for it, they haven’t had to take on responsibility for another person, outside of themselves, on a daily basis. So it is hard for them to really grasp how involved a parent, a good parent, is every second of the day. And it all comes down to doing everything for another, specifically and rightfully, our children.
The first thing we do, as a parent, is wake up (preferably before our children) to get ready for work and prepare breakfast. We ensure we make ourselves available as soon as they wake up in order to help them get ready for their day. So our day always starts with our children first on our minds. And god forbid we wake up a few minutes late, or they happen to wake up before us. We then sacrifice a little bit of what we do for ourselves, like iron that shirt of put makeup on, to provide the same amount of time for our children. Specifically, my morning starts out where I am getting ready for 3 people, and I need to make sure every detail is perfect so all 3 of us have a less stressful morning.
We shuffle our little ones to school, most of the time with a smile and a hug, hoping to start their day off with a positive feeling, and then rush off to our jobs. Our jobs that provide us with money to ensure a home, food, clothes, the weekly movie night, fancy gadgets and high-speed Internet access for our children. We work to support a certain life style that both us and our kids are used to, that keeps us healthy and makes us happy. We don’t have the ability to job hope or discover ourselves throughout the years. At least by without taking into consideration how that impacts us, and our children.
So our jobs are a main focus during the day, making sure we do them efficiently and effectively. Not only because we want to feel a certain level of self defined success in our lives. (That is just a bonus.) But because we have to make sure we do a good job in order to KEEP our jobs and continue the comfy, or almost comfy, lives we are used to. To demonstrate to our children that we are responsible enough to care for them, and we are secure enough for them to trust we will continue to do so. Our entire day, every second of every task for every boss is for our children.
As soon as our job finishes, we are back to focusing solely on our children. Picking them up from wherever the go after school until our jobs conclude. We whisk them off to our homes and nourish them with dinner, review their homework, encourage them to practice any hobbies/talents they have and currently show an interest in, and entertain their stories from the day. We clean them and get them comfortable for the evening. We spend as much time as we can with them during the last 30 minutes that they are awake, snuggling, watching their favorite TV sitcom, or playing a quick board game, before bedtime story and prayer. Each night we do everything we can to confirm that our children are loved, nurtured, and cared for. (And this is a great night scenario… Imagine a night that also includes fighting, I’ll behavior, defiance, and whining! – YUCK!)
Once they are fast asleep, too soon after returning home from a long day without them, with nit enough real quality mommy/daddy time. A parents night actually begins. Cleaning up from dinner, preparing lunches and snacks for the next day, laying out clothes for everyone (in hopes of making the morning a little bit smoother) and picking up anything that was left behind. Maybe we have enough energy to clean ourselves and prepare our own items for a smoother next morning, and maybe we decide to wait until the morning to be clean. Rarely do we have time to sit and watch our favorite TV sitcom or catch up with the news. At least it is rare to do so without falling asleep in my case.
This is what a parents life mostly consists of, specifically, mine. And that is without too many extra activities, like dance, karate, sports, etc. I lucked out that my oldest son is extremely interested in art and violin, so his activities occur at school. But I know come spring, my little one will have me running all over for soccer. And I will do it, because I love him, both of them, and their daily needs and happiness always supersedes mine. That goes without questions.
But the point of this rant is not whether or not I am happy to be a devoted mom, because I am. It was more for me to hopefully reveal to others how demanding a parents life Is. We don’t always get to text like we want to, let alone chat on the phone. We do not always remember things that we discussed with you, or the interview you may have coming up, because our brains are full of 1st grade homework, kiddie doctor appointments, finding their favorite toys or breaking up a brotherly argument. It isn’t that we don’t care, or don’t think of you, or don’t want to talk to you. When I get a minute… You will be the first to know. But I may need that minute for myself first.
That is what I did this past Sunday. I had lost a childhood friend over the weekend and initially needed time to let that sink in and really absorb what happened. It made me reflect on what is really important in life, in my life. And one of those things, one if those very important things that I need, is time for me, to do as I please with, to make me happy.
That is one of my new 3 for March. To schedule quality ME time. I will always put my boys first, then my parents and brother, then my closest friends and then me. Everything else can wait. Life is too short not to take care of me. That includes ensuring the quality time I need for loved ones and on my own.
So I get why my non-parent friends cannot understand why I am unable to always give then attention. They only have to really worry about themselves, their family, and their friends. They don’t understand how hectic it can be when you have others to always think about, from the moment you wake until the moment you sleep. I don’t blame them, it is just a matter of two completely different lives.
Being a parent nay mean little to no time for anything else, but It is the greatest blessing in the world, but it also doesn’t allow for any time outside of those blessings. And honestly… I wouldn’t want my life any other way. <3
February 28, 2013
Today was officially my first day returning to the New to 36 project! I had a serious epiphany and was launched back the goals I had set out for myself this birth year. i had allowed life to swallow me whole, once again, and lost myself in the negative stresses of each day… As well as falling to the unexpected obstacles that plagued my family for the last four weeks. But today the fire was lit once again, engaging my forward advancements with my life changing year!
I have honestly felt blessed, lately, with my new job. For once I feel as if I can potentially build a career and learn from those that I share my work days with. This is a completely new industry for me, but a role within the company I am familiar with. So I feel there is a nice balance, so far, that allows me to utilize my skills, flaunt my work assets, and also receive the proper guidance and training to really understand and engage in the industry. It makes my mornings a little easier knowing I am going somewhere I don’t mind being, and one step closer to a career that may help someone else one day. As an Aquarian, humanitarian type of work is what I thrive in.
For a moment in my life, I feel good. Really good actually. So good I failed to stay focused on my project and started resorting back to the energy deprived Leausier that I was only three months ago. I had fallen into the old routine of waking drained, loosing control of my mornings and wanting to do nothing when I got home. Granted, I can never do NOTHING when I get home since I am a mom, but I felt like I wanted to do nothing. I had no drive or ambition to continue reorganizing my apartment, focusing on New to 36, and preparing for an easier tomorrow. My routine became mush and I was struggling.
It wasn’t until this afternoon at work that I received my wake up call, smack to the face. After a conscious shattering phone call, which is another story in itself, I realized I had lost myself to the negativities of the day. I had literally had repercussions of a requested task call me and tell me how my actions may have rippled negative affects into someone else’s life. Granted I was only doing what my boss asked of me, an technically it could be her karma that came back to her and I was just the messenger, but regardless, it made me realize how off track I have drifted in such a short period of time, and that did not settle well with me.
So tonight I once again decided to take back control of my little world, renew my project, and focus on my energies. And I am super glad that I did. Not only did I take back the positives into my heart, but I have started a little ritual with my boys that seemed to have left them also happy and refreshed, with a feeling of calm and love that they took to sleep with them. That alone was a beautiful feeling.
To start, I pulled out the good old chore chart and updated it with new tasks that my boys can help with. I consulted with each of them as I wrote the chores on the board. I wanted them to feel like they were “volunteering” for the task and not being told to do it. I was hoping this would get them a bit excited about being responsible for their chores… Key word… Hoped. They picked their favorite colored stars to represent when the tasks were competed, and they will be reviewing the board in the morning and at night. If all stars are there each week, then they will get an allowance at the end of the week. Fingers crossed!
I also decided to update my “mommy” calendar with the boys activities. Call me old fashioned, but sometimes I think a big ol’ piece of paper hanging jn your face each day trumps any high tech reminder that has a “dismiss” button. I do use my cell phone calendar and task reminders throughout the day, but I still have that piece of paper to remind me when I get home. So now I have all dates, events, school calendar/notices and reminders in my phone, email calendar AND my kitchen.
Finally, I decided to do an energy cleaning exercise tonight. Not just because of the overwhelming negativity I felt throughout the day today. (It still amazes me how negative energy can devour positive in a millisecond.) But also because I set out this birth year with a new outlook in life and I want to continue that. It initially started with a tiny change that create a huge positive feeling, and I need to get back to that place. However, tonight I made yet another change and decided to include my boys in my energy exercise.
I have noticed lately, with everything that has been going on, my boys are a bit off balance as well. Some nights they are lovely, and some nights they are completely unruley, leaving me (and them) very tense by bed time. And I personally dislike going to bed tense or angry. So, this evening, I took 8 minutes with each child individually and cleansed our Aura’s.
One on one, we sat Indian style, face to face and took deep breaths. With each breath I told them they should inhale love and exhale any negative feelings they had from the day. It was so nice to see their little faces almost instantly relax. They were both very eager to do this exercise because it was something new and something to do with mommy, one on one.
We discussed one negative thing that happened to them today and how that made them feel. We then spoke of one positive thing and how that had made them feel also. I wanted them to see how the action had cause their feelings to react and use those feeling during the breathing exercise. As they exhaled I ran my fingers down their arms, as if helping push out the negativity (and it helped them relax). And I told them that they were happy and loved.
We then discussed something that they were grateful for in their life. It could be anything, anything at all, that made them feel happy and lucky. It could be their Nintendo DS or the fact that they have family that loves them. As long as it made their eyes glimmer and lips smile, that was all I cared about. I wanted them to spark that blessed feeling and recognize what it was. I wanted them to feel good, regardless of what it is they felt good about.
Finally, we set one goal for tomorrow together. A positive, good, goal that each of them will do. Something that has them step out of themselves and fill another persons “bucket”. Seany said that he was going to offer to help his babysitter with the younger kids tomorrow. Christopher said he would like to make his friend smile who hasn’t been feeling well this week. They were excited to pick their positive deeds of the day, and I felt their energies had changed drastically with those ten little minutes together, as did mine. Not to mention, prayer time and bedtime were a lot smoother tonight! DOUBLE
It feels good to be back on track. I may have lost myself, and my New 3 for this months New to 36, but the universe has me aligned again. I did manage to accomplish three new things today, that I hadn’t done in my life as of yet. Now my goal is to complete this month continuing these things, and every month to follow really. The only true obstacle I have is myself. No one person or one thing really has the right to distract me from my goals. It only happens when I allow it. At this point in time, especially after today, I am more determined then ever to complete my project…
February 13, 2013
Tonight I decided to take my little men and my ex mother In law out to dinner. This week my youngest man is Student of the Week, and Thursday will be Valentines Day, so I thought tonight would be the best opportunity to treat my star student, and show gratification to my MIL for her hospitality. We decided to go to Benihana since my little one is captivated by their cooking performance.
I had a feeling it would cost a decent amount of money, but in all honesty, I never anticipated the actual amount it came to. It is safe to say that dinning out like that will only happen once a year. YIKES! I have anxiety just thinking about it. But it was well spent if it means a moment of pride for my little nugget, and another happy memory for all those that were involved. However, it puts a damper on the Valentines treats I was hoping to send to a handful of people that I care about.
I anticipated being able to send some mini surprises to a couple of meaningful friends and family members this year, but again I am a bit strapped. Part of it is because I tend to spend more then I should on a weekly basis. And with one of my goals being able to move very soon, I really need to start watching myself more, tightening the belt a bit. But at the same time I find myself torn because I do enjoy the outings and mini purchases with my boys.
I am not a material person. Most of my spending is on little things, like crafts kits to do with the boys, or games, and sometimes toys. But $20, $30, $40 a week, or even every two weeks, adds up. It would be so nice if for once in my life I didn’t have to worry so much about money. (Well obviously I don’t WORRY enough, but it is a concern.) I don’t want to be Rich with a big house, three walk in closets full of clothes, and extensive show collection, or a $150,000 car, but I DO want to be able to do things for others, comfortably, and with others, whenever I can.
Tonight, after dinner and the kiddies were in bed, I looked online for Valentines surprises I could possibly send to a handful of VIPs. A small box of chocolate covered strawberries for JL, a dozen roses for MF, or a special little something for RM. Maybe a bouquet of dipped cupcake pops for WS or an edible arrangement for JH, just to say “hey, someone is thinking about you and loves you. That person is me”…. But sadly if I did it, I would be back to square one, maybe further behind… And that really bothers me. I want to be able to give, and still pay my bills each month.
I had grown up in a setting where love and appreciation was always demonstrated to our family and friends. My mom used to have a box of cards that she kept in order to be able to send someone something on occasion, or just because, on any given day. Regardless of our wants, and sometime our needs, my mom always reached out to others, if only to make them smile. There aren’t many people like that out there anymore, and I enjoy being a product of that kind of generous upbringing. I’m proud of it and always looked up to her for all of her efforts.
Sadly, that little bit of giving is even difficult at this point in my life. As much as I feel blessed and honored being a single mom of two amazing boys, every ounce of my energy and finances, especially with how I spend at times, is gone. We do not go to dinner every night, or buy something we don’t need every day, but lost weekend I have them, we do a little something here or there, and I’m seeing how much that can add up. But my boys deserve it all too, and sometimes it would be nice to be that person that was able to make someone else smile as well.
Everyone deserves recognition, encouragement and appreciation. Especially those that have been in your life, through many hard times, and being the center of better times. I fear society has stripped us of those that actually care about others and want them to know. Many of us are even afraid to say “I love you” to another person, friend or more, because the dear of personal rejection and pain is too overwhelming.
We make excuses for bot keeping in touch or remembering someone at a special time. There are many things i have notice society has been lacking. I don’t know what the reasons are, but I know that there needs, or should be, a lot more people like the mom I grew up with.
If only I had the means to do more for others. Maybe then I would still end up “poor”… Who knows. With the things I would love to do for those I love, there may be little left for me. But that is ok.
I have always believe there is more to life then just what I can get out of it. Being able to give into lives has much more value and meaning to me, and I want to be able to show that in every way possible.
They say “money can’t bring you happiness” but show me the money and I will show you a number of people I can make smile. Not because I feel the need to be liked or for some self-fulfilling gratification…. But because I wish I could do more for those that are in my life, and even those that may just need a smile.